Q&A: When Setting Boundaries Feels Unsafe

Reader Response:

Could you cover how to deal with the worry that goes with setting boundaries when you fear a violent reaction or emotional outburst from you addicted loved one (ALO)?

Thank you for sharing your concern. I know it’s not easy to even consider setting boundaries when you fear a violent reaction or emotional outburst. Your safety and peace of mind are the highest priority, and it’s important to approach this situation carefully and prayerfully.

While I did not explicitly discuss this fear or worry the plan that I suggested took these things into account.

1. Seek Guidance and Support

   
   

   Don’t walk this path alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, a counselor, or a pastor. Professional guidance can help you navigate boundary-setting safely and effectively. Spend time in prayer, talking it over with mentors and be very clear with yourself about what you need to be safe around this person before you begin trying to set those boundaries.

   
   

2. Start Small

   
   

   If setting larger boundaries feels too overwhelming, start with smaller, less confrontational steps to gauge how your loved one might react. For instance, you might begin by asserting a specific time and/or place for phone calls or visits. You do not have to invite them into your home where it will be harder to walk away if things go sideways. You can plan to meet in public somewhere you feel safe or just talk on the phone. It is better to have short successful interactions than long visits that erupt into arguments and aggression.

   
   

3. Be Prepared

   
   

Decide on the boundaries you wish to set well ahead of time and communicate them to everyone, including your ALO before the day of the event arrives.  If they are going to have a violent reaction or emotional outburst it’s better that it be on the phone or from a distance before the event, than in the middle of the event with extra family members and children present. If you can’t reach an agreement ahead of time, that may be a good indication that they are not ready to participate in holiday events with the family. It is better that everyone know what to expect than to surprise people in the moment with changes in what is and is no longer acceptable for you.

4. Plan for Safety

   
   

   If you feel physically unsafe, create a plan to protect yourself. This could include having someone present when you talk to your loved one, communicating boundaries in writing instead of in person, or even seeking legal advice if necessary. Do not put yourself in any situation, especially alone, where you fear your physical safety is at risk. If you are inviting them to a family event have someone prepared to help manage the situation if it becomes too emotional. Choose someone who has a better relationship with this person with the hopes they will be more likely to listen to them. Have a plan before you start and follow through with that plan. If you don’t have a plan, it may end up being the most hot-headed person in the room that tries to manage it and this can just escalate things further.

   
   

5. Recognize Their Reaction Is Not Your Responsibility

   
   

   When someone reacts with anger or fits, it’s a reflection of their struggle—not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. You’re allowed to protect your emotional and physical well-being. Pray for courage and clarity to release their response to God. They may say hurtful things that cut you to your core in that moment. Just know that it is their addiction speaking, not their heart. Boundaries challenge addiction’s hold on your loved one and it desperately wants to keep them under its thumb. It’s not personal. Try not to take it to heart. When they seek treatment, their words and feelings towards you will most likely change.

   
   

6. Scripture for Strength

   
   

   Turn to God’s Word for encouragement. For example, 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Lean into the power and wisdom He provides as you navigate these difficult

   decisions.

   
   

7. Know When to Involve Authorities

   
   

   If you suspect violence or have experienced it in the past, don’t hesitate to involve authorities or seek protection. There’s no shame in doing what is necessary to keep yourself and your family safe.

Remember, boundaries are an act of love—both for yourself and for your loved one. Without boundaries, we enable destructive behavior, but with them, we allow space for accountability, healing, and growth.

If you’d like to talk more or need help finding resources, please reach out. You are not alone in this. I’m praying for your safety, peace, and wisdom as you make these tough decisions.

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