Part 3: Setting Boundaries for a Peaceful Holiday Season

Holiday Guide For Loved Ones of Addicted Adults

Navigating the holidays with an addicted loved one (ALO) can be challenging, especially if you want to protect your peace and create a safe, respectful environment. In this third part of our holiday series, we're diving into a powerful tool for maintaining emotional balance and fostering healthy relationships: setting boundaries.

Why Boundaries are Essential

Boundaries are essential for everyone, but they’re especially critical when interacting with a loved one who struggles with addiction (ALO). Boundaries define the behaviors we’re comfortable with and create space for us to feel safe, valued, and respected. By setting clear boundaries, we empower ourselves to engage with others from a place of love and respect while preserving our own well-being.

The goal of boundaries isn’t to control or punish anyone; it’s to establish guidelines that help us interact with ALOs and other family members peacefully. Think of boundaries as fences that support healthier connections and mutual respect. Boundaries should apply to all family members, not just the ALO. Furthermore, healthy boundaries work both ways. If we want others to respect our boundaries, we must be willing to respect theirs as well.

When making decisions that involve your family, it is of course important to prioritize what’s best for the family but your well-being is an important part of that equation. It is okay to ask for what you need and if you aren’t in a place that you feel safe physically or emotionally interacting with this loved one, it is ok for that to be your boundary for now. My goal was to include my loved one as much as I could while keeping everyone in the family safe and the gatherings peaceful. Sometimes that wasn’t possible at all. Other times, having good boundaries prepared like I describe below made it possible.

Be respectful of other people’s boundaries as well. If you decide to include your ALO and some else does not feel comfortable being around them, respect that. Allow each family member to make decisions about what is best for them. Not everyone is going to be in the same space mentally and may need to make different decisions. If everyone is not comfortable being with your ALO, you could meet them separately. If your ALO is not safe to have in someone’s home, you could meet them in a public space.

Getting Started with Boundary Setting

1. Identify Your Needs: Consider what’s most important for your emotional and physical well-being this holiday season and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself:

   • What situations make me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or disrespected?

   • Are there particular behaviors or actions that disrupt my peace or trigger stress?

2. Set Specific Boundaries: Once you’ve identified your needs, set specific and realistic boundaries that support them. Here are a few examples:

   • No drugs, alcohol, or paraphernalia at gatherings.

   • Only respectful, kind language—no abusive or hurtful speech.

   • No unsolicited advice or attempts to “fix” others.

     
     

3. Communicate Boundaries Clearly: Let your loved ones know about these boundaries before any holiday gatherings. Explain that these guidelines apply to everyone, not just those struggling with addiction. You may even consider designating a family member who is calm and firm to help enforce these boundaries if challenges arise. Speak with them well before the event and ask them if they are willing to take on this role.

How to Handle Boundary Violations

Establishing boundaries is only part of the process; enforcing them is essential for their success. Here are a few steps for dealing with boundary violations in a calm, respectful way:

• Stay Calm and Consistent: If someone violates a boundary, remind them calmly and respectfully of the guidelines. For instance, if someone shows up intoxicated, arrange a safe way for them to leave and let them know they’re welcome back when sober.

  
  

• Designate a Mediator: Having a trusted family member or friend who can intervene when emotions run high can be helpful. Choose someone who has a good relationship with your ALO and can communicate with them calmly and firmly. Speak with them well before the event and ask them if they are willing to take on this role.

  
  

• Have a Plan for Persistent Issues: If a loved one repeatedly challenges your boundaries, have a plan in place to handle the situation. This might mean setting additional limits or kindly asking them to step away to calm down.

Remember, enforcing boundaries isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about creating an environment where everyone feels safe and respected.

Give Yourself Permission to Prioritize Your Peace

Setting and enforcing boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially when they involve close family members. Yet, protecting your peace and mental health is essential to being fully present during the holidays. If you feel guilty or unsure about enforcing boundaries, remind yourself that setting limits is not an act of selfishness but one of self-respect.

This holiday season, let’s focus on enjoying the present moment, however imperfect, and showing up with gratitude for the family and friends around us. With healthy boundaries in place, you can build a season filled with warmth, respect, and joy.

Boundaries can be challenging to implement, but with practice and persistence, they can lead to a healthier, more peaceful holiday for everyone.

For more guidance, check out our full Holiday Guide for managing stress and setting boundaries effectively.

This post is 3rd in a series of posts on how to have a less stressful, more peaceful holiday. To read the previous post, click the button below:

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