Part 4: 10 Boundaries for a Peaceful Holiday Season with an Addicted Loved One

Holiday Guide for Loved Ones of Addicted Adults

The holidays can be a wonderful time to reconnect with loved ones, but when addiction is part of the family dynamic, it’s important to set clear boundaries. Boundaries allow us to maintain a peaceful environment, protect our emotional well-being, and ensure that we’re caring for ourselves while still showing compassion.

Here are 10 examples of boundaries you can set with your addicted loved one, along with tips on how to communicate and enforce each one. Use the ones that resonate with you and feel free to customize them to fit your situation.

1. No Drugs or Alcohol Allowed at Gatherings

Why: This boundary sets a foundation for a sober, safe environment, especially when addiction is a concern.

How: Let everyone know ahead of time that your gatherings will be substance-free. You might say, “To keep things peaceful, we’re asking everyone to keep the event alcohol- and drug-free. We’re committed to a safe environment for everyone to enjoy.”

2. Limit or Avoid Discussions about Addiction or Treatment

Why: Sensitive topics like addiction can stir up emotions and escalate tension. Keep the focus on enjoying each other’s company instead of discussing sensitive issues.

How: Kindly let your loved ones know that, for everyone’s comfort, addiction-related conversations will be off-limits at the gathering. Say, “Let’s take this time to relax and enjoy the holiday. We’ll save discussions about treatment and addiction for another time.”

3. Only Respectful Language and Behavior

Why: Ensuring respectful language helps everyone feel safe and prevents unnecessary arguments.

How: Set this boundary by saying, “I want this to be a positive space, so let’s keep our conversations and language respectful. If things get heated, we’ll need to take a break.” Be prepared to enforce it gently if necessary by stepping away or redirecting the conversation.

4. Set Time Limits for Visits

Why: Time limits can prevent burnout, reduce stress, and keep interactions manageable, especially if conflicts tend to arise after extended time together.

How: Mention this in advance: “We’d love to see you, and we’re planning on keeping our visit from [start time] to [end time] to give everyone a chance to rest and recharge.”

5. Avoid Loaning or Giving Money as Gifts

Why: Money can often go towards supporting addictive behaviors, and refusing to give it reduces the risk of enabling.

How: Politely but clearly explain your stance, like this: “This year, we’re focusing on meaningful gifts, so we won’t be giving cash or gift cards. Instead, we’ll focus on items that are useful and supportive.”

6. Take Timeouts When Needed

Why: Holidays can be intense, and stepping away for a short break helps to reset your emotional balance.

How: Inform everyone at the start that it’s okay to take a breather. Say, “We’re all going to take care of ourselves, and if anyone needs a break during the gathering, that’s completely okay.”

7. Do Not Alter Plans for Late Arrivals

Why: Waiting for someone who frequently shows up late can delay events and add unnecessary tension.

How: Let your loved ones know ahead of time: “We’re starting dinner at [time], and we’d love for you to join us, but we’ll begin as scheduled. We’ll keep a plate for you if you come later.”

8. Keep Conflicts Private

Why: Family dynamics can be complex, and it’s best to address conflicts privately to maintain a peaceful atmosphere.

How: Say, “If there are any concerns, we’ll handle them privately after the gathering. Let’s focus on making this time enjoyable for everyone.”

9. No Unsolicited Advice or “Fixing” Conversations

Why: Attempts to “fix” someone or give unsolicited advice can make your loved one feel judged and can create defensiveness.

How: Before the gathering, let everyone know this boundary: “Let’s keep our interactions supportive and avoid any unsolicited advice. This is a safe space to enjoy each other’s company.”

10. Encourage a Designated Support Person for One-on-One Conversations

Why: Sometimes, one-on-one conversations with a family member struggling with addiction can become emotionally intense. Having a designated support person helps diffuse tension and provides emotional support for everyone involved.

How: Before the gathering, let your loved one know, “If any challenging conversations come up, I’ll have [family member’s name] available to help keep things calm and supportive. We’re all here to enjoy each other’s company, and having someone else to help in these moments will make it easier for everyone.”

Closing Thoughts

Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially when it involves a loved one dealing with addiction. But these boundaries are acts of love and respect—for yourself, your family, and the loved one struggling. By clearly establishing and communicating these boundaries, you’re creating an environment where peace and respect are prioritized, allowing you and your family to fully embrace the season together.

Remember, boundaries should be applied consistently and with compassion. Enforcing these boundaries is about protecting everyone’s peace and creating a healthy space for connection. Here’s to a holiday season where everyone can feel valued and cared for.