What If It’s Not Safe to Set Boundaries?

Sometimes setting boundaries can be scary but there are times when it is actually dangerous. Let's talk about it.

Let’s just say it out loud—Setting boundaries with someone who’s struggling with addiction can be scary.

Sometimes it’s emotional pushback. Sometimes it’s manipulation, yelling, threats, or worse. And for some of you reading this, it’s not just hard—it’s dangerous.

So what do we do when we want to protect our peace, but setting a boundary could put us—or someone else—in harm’s way?

Here’s the truth: God never asks us to stay in harm’s way to prove our loyalty. Not to a loved one, not to a child, not to a spouse. Jesus walked into dangerous places with purpose, but He also walked away when it wasn’t safe. He walked away. He withdrew. He didn’t throw Himself into every situation.

So maybe we need to give ourselves permission to step back. Not out of anger. Not out of punishment. But out of wisdom.

And let’s talk about safety for a second. Physical danger is real, and it’s serious. But emotional danger matters, too. Being constantly belittled, manipulated, screamed at, or walking on eggshells to keep the peace—that’s not safe either. Emotional wounds may not leave bruises, but they absolutely break down your soul. And both kinds of safety—physical and emotional—matter deeply to God.

If you’re in a situation where setting a boundary makes someone explode, or they threaten you, or your gut tells you, This is not safe—listen. Pay attention. That feeling may be the Holy Spirit nudging you.

Call a trusted friend. Talk to your pastor. Reach out to a counselor who understands addiction and family dynamics. If there’s physical danger, don’t hesitate—call for help. There’s no shame in protecting yourself. None.

Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else. They’re about being a good steward of your own safety, sanity, and soul.

And if you’re scared to take the next step, I just want you to know—you’re not weak. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. God is with you in that decision. He’s not standing over you with arms crossed, waiting for you to get it all right. He’s right there with you, whispering, You are worth protecting.

Practical Ideas for Setting Safer Boundaries When You Feel Endangered

(This is not a one-size-fits-all list. Pray through these and talk with someone wise before making changes.)

• Set boundaries in writing when possible (text, email). This reduces face-to-face conflict.

• Have serious conversations in public places if safety is a concern.

• Use a code word with a friend or family member if you need help quickly.

• Make a safety plan before you set a hard boundary (e.g., “If he threatens me, I’ll leave and call ____”).

• Don’t set boundaries when emotions are high. Wait until you’re calm and prayed up.

• Avoid using ultimatums unless you’re truly prepared to follow through.

• Ask someone you trust to help you role-play the conversation beforehand.

• If needed, involve law enforcement, a counselor, or a domestic violence hotline. You don’t have to do this alone.

• Remember: “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe long explanations.

• Trust your gut. If it feels unsafe, it probably is.

A Prayer for Wisdom and Protection

Precious Heavenly Father, You see what I’m facing. You see what others don’t. Give me courage to set wise boundaries, and give me wisdom to know when I need help. If it’s not safe, make that clear. Protect me, Lord—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Help me to trust that I’m not alone in this. Remind me that I don’t have to fix everything. You are my shelter. You are my strength. And You love me enough to lead me out of harm’s way.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

You are not being unloving by protecting yourself. You are being wise. And wisdom is something God promises to give freely—without finding fault (James 1:5).

If you need prayer or encouragement, drop a comment or message me. We’re in this together.