Triggered by Love: When Caring Feels Like Crushing

I was minding my own business, cleaning and doing laundry in my own home. Not bothering a soul. DING! That familiar ding to alert me to a new text message. I didn’t expect a text to ruin my whole day. But it did.

It was just a few words. I didn’t know where she was or what she was doing but whatever it was she had gotten “into her feelings.” In her mind the only way to find relief was to fire off scathing accusations outlining every way I had failed her and caused all of her dysfunction. I knew the enemy was playing games. But it sank deep. My chest tightened. My mind raced. My body went into alert mode, and suddenly, I was spiraling.

This time it was accusations but other times it had been a request for money, the silent treatment after holding strong on a boundary, drunken tears when she had been used, abused and/or abandoned, etc.

This is what it means to be triggered when you struggle with codependency.

And if you’re a mother of an addicted adult child, you’ve probably lived this moment more times than you can count.

Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt Like This… Is It?

They say love is patient, kind, not self-seeking. But what happens when your love is weaponized against you? When your open arms become open wounds? When you’re accused of not loving enough the moment you say no or set a boundary?

It can make you question your heart, your faith, even your sanity.

But here's the truth: You’re not weak. You’re weary.

And Jesus sees the whole story, not just the part they use to guilt you.

He sees the moments you got it right,

Why Triggers Show Up in Love

Your heart was created to nurture, to intercede, to hold on. But when the person you love is caught in addiction, every act of love can become a battlefield. The enemy twists your tenderness into torment.

You’re not just reacting to the moment. You’re reacting to every time you:

• Gave too much and were blamed anyway

• Stayed up all night praying they’d survive

• Felt invisible, used, or discarded

• Tried to “rescue” only to get pulled under

This is more than stress. It’s trauma. And all the feelings it brings up are valid.

But God doesn’t leave you there.

Triggers Are Trauma’s Echo

That wave of panic that hits you out of nowhere? That tightness in your chest when the phone rings at night? That isn’t just about this moment.

Triggers are the reactivation of past pain—especially wounds that have been reopened over and over again.

Maybe it reminds you of the time they disappeared for days. Or when you found them unconscious. Or the thousand times you tried to help and it backfired. Those moments carved grooves in your soul, and now your body remembers them—long before your brain can make sense of what’s happening.

But here’s the key: not every situation deserves the weight of all your history.

The enemy wants to keep you stuck in the swirl of every failure, every heartbreak, every regret. But God invites you to stay present with Him in this moment, not all the moments before.

Ask yourself gently: “Am I responding to what’s actually happening… or to everything that’s ever happened?”

You are allowed to pause, pray, and separate this situation from the past.

Let Jesus hold your history so you can respond with wisdom in the now.

With His help and His power, we don’t have to be ruled by these emotions. We can choose how we react to those triggering behaviors.

A Spirit-Led Practice for When You’re Triggered

When your child presses your buttons, walk through these six steps with Jesus:

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Step 1: Pause & Breathe - “Be still and know”

When the trigger hits, your first instinct might be to react—text back, fix it, explain yourself, brace for the worst. Your nervous system goes into overdrive, and your heart races ahead of your Spirit.

But before anything else… you need to pause.

Not because it’s weak. Because it’s wise.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” - Psalm 46:10

This isn’t just poetic advice. It’s a rescue strategy. When you pause, you interrupt the enemy’s attempt to hijack your peace.

Take three slow, deep breaths. Place your hand on your heart. Whisper the name of Jesus—not to summon Him (He’s already there), but to remember He is.

In that holy pause, you reclaim the moment from panic and give it back to God.

You don’t have to solve anything in that breath. You just have to stay in it long enough to remember who you are and whose you are.

This is how Hope Holders begin—not by charging into the fire, but by stepping into the stillness where God meets them first.

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Step 2: Name the Trigger, Not the Shame

After the pause, the next holy act is this: tell the truth about what you’re feeling—without adding shame to it.

You don’t have to pretend you’re okay. You don’t have to stuff it down, spiritualize it away, or beat yourself up for being “too emotional.” You’re not too much. You’re just human. And hurting.

“Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” - Psalm 62:8

So name it.

“This made me feel abandoned.”

“This made me feel blamed.”

“This made me feel like a failure.”

Naming the emotion disarms the enemy. He thrives in the shadows, in vague guilt and buried pain. But when you bring your feelings into the light, shame loses its grip.

This doesn’t mean you’re defined by your triggers—it means you’re honest about them. And honesty is holy.

Jesus isn’t asking for a performance. He’s asking for permission—to meet you in your real feelings, not the ones you think you should have.

So name what it is. Let go of what it isn’t. And remember: feeling it doesn’t make you faithless: it makes you free.

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Step 3: Invite Jesus Into It

After you’ve paused and named what you’re feeling, don’t carry it alone -invite Jesus into the moment.

Not the cleaned-up version. Not the “I should be over this by now” version. Just the raw, messy, honest one.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

You don’t need the perfect prayer. You just need His presence.

Say it out loud if you can:“Jesus, I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do. I need You right here.”

Picture Him - not disappointed, not distant, but near. Closer than the next breath. Kneeling beside you on the kitchen floor. Holding space for your tears. Steadying your shaking hands. Whispering, “I’m not leaving.”

This is not the moment to fix. This is the moment to be held.

Because healing doesn’t begin when the problem is solved. It begins when your heart is seen.

So invite Him in. Not when you feel ready - but right now, because you don’t feel ready.

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Step 4: Discern the Root, Not Just the Reaction

The tears, the panic, the racing thoughts- they’re not random. They’re not “too much.” They’re clues.

Your reaction is real, but it’s often tied to something deeper than this moment.

“Search me, God, and know my heart.” - Psalm 139:23

God doesn’t just want to comfort your symptoms. He wants to heal the source.

Ask gently:

“Is this really about today’s text? Or is this hitting something older - something raw?”

“Does this remind me of a time I felt powerless, abandoned, blamed?”

Often, the current trigger is echoing past trauma - old wounds that never fully healed, or patterns you’ve lived in for years. The enemy wants to keep you stuck there. But the Holy Spirit wants to reveal and restore.

You don’t have to go digging alone. Ask God to uncover the root - not to punish, but to free you.

Because when you name the root, you weaken the lie.

You stop reacting to ghosts, and you start responding in truth.

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Step 5: Reframe with Scripture

Once you’ve uncovered the root, the enemy will try to plant a lie there.

“You’re a failure.”

“You’re the reason they’re this way.”

“You’ll never get it right.”

But you don’t have to let that lie take root again. You have a weapon.

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” - Romans 8:1

God’s Word isn’t just for Sunday - it’s for this very moment. It’s truth that reclaims your mind from the spiral.

Here’s how to reframe:

1. Name the Lie:

   “I believe their relapse means I failed.”

2. Find the Truth:

   “Their choices are not my identity. I am covered in grace.”

3. Declare the Word:

   “There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”

When you speak truth, you interrupt the enemy’s story and invite God’s voice back into the center of your soul.

Don’t just read Scripture - replace the lie with it.

Keep a short list of go-to verses. Write them on sticky notes. Speak them out loud when the spiral starts. Let God's Word become your reflex, not your afterthought.

Because what you meditate on… becomes what you move from.

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Step 6: Release Through Prayer & Boundaries

Now that you’ve paused, named the emotion, invited Jesus in, uncovered the root, and spoken truth - there’s one more step: release.

Release doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving it to God.

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you.” - Psalm 55:22

Let the pressure lift from your shoulders. You were never meant to carry this weight alone.

Say it out loud if you can:“Lord, I surrender this to You. I can’t control them, fix them, or force anything to change. Show me how to love without losing myself.”

Then set a boundary if you need to. Not as punishment, but as protection. For your peace. For your healing. For your soul.

You can answer later. You can say no. You can take space.

And you can do all of it in love.

Boundaries aren’t barriers to grace. They’re bridges to clarity, safety, and spiritual strength.

Let your release be both spiritual and practical. Because you don’t just need relief, you need rest.

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You are not weak for being triggered. You are deeply human. And deeply loved.

You Are Still a Hope Holder

Even in the spiral. Even in the tears. Even when love feels like it’s breaking you.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not finished.

You are a Hope Holder.

What part of this post felt like your story? Comment below or share it with a mama who needs this today.