To The Mom That Wants To Quit

I feel you! I get it! I’m writing this from a doctor’s office exam room trying to find answers to a mystery rash my son has. I brought my own tv table to prop my laptop on. Am I a professional or what?

I had great plans for today; was planning to conquer the world. And then my feet hit the floor and I was confronted with an issue with my husband, boundary-crossing teenagers, chores left undone, the usual. My kids were in the room just above my bedroom screaming at each other because I had asked them to do just a little work to make their bed and bathrooms “un-condemnable.” I gave myself a pep talk and vowed to push through. And then the mystery rash demanded to be addressed. Today it’s just typical mom life but other days it is so much more.

I just wanted to jump in the car and leave it all behind. Start fresh and let someone else figure out this mess. Roll the windows down, open the sunroof and let the breeze blow through my hair on this gorgeous day like I used to do before all of this adulting. Today it was a fleeting thought but other days it has been so much more.

Let’s be honest, the reality of motherhood is not what any of us dreamed it would be. I told a struggling friend the other day, “You are not going to find emotional fulfillment through motherhood alone. Get over it!” Honestly, I don’t think we were meant to. It is a season in life not a permanent status. From the time those chubby little feet venture to take their first steps, our children are walking away from us, needing us less and less, leaving us with less and less influence in their life. From that day forward, we are having to learn to let go and everyday is a new negotiation of the relationship based on their growing independence. Our hearts are made to nurture and protect and care for and their nature is to resist, to want to do it their way and on their own.

My older friends don’t offer much comfort. Many of them are still struggling with kids in their 30’s and 40’s. It seems the problems just get bigger and the amount of control we have continues to lessen. In the end, we must give it to God and trust that He loves them even more than we do. While we have very little control or influence, He is over it all.

But what is a mom to do in the midst of it all? When we are drowning and paralyzed by overwhelm? When it seems we may never catch our breath again? When we are sure we are failing miserably, and our kids are suffering for it?

I can honestly say I have found the answer, for me at least. You may not like it. It’s like when you want to lose weight, and someone tells you to eat right and exercise. You huff. Ugggh! You’ve heard that before at least 1000 times. Everybody knows to eat right and exercise but that’s hard and you want a quick and easy answer. You know in your heart of hearts that it is the only thing that truly works but no one wants to put the work in.

So let me say it for you to hear for the 1001st time, sister to sister, friend to friend. Open your heart and let the words sink in. Trust me for just a few days and do it frustrated and see what God can do in your life.

Motherhood is never going to be easy. You are going to deal with some exhaustion, stress, and overwhelm even in the best of circumstances. But if you are seriously fantasizing about running away, entertaining the idea of just quitting or worse yet, considering suicide, something must give. If you are at that point, you have been doing this “mom thing” in your own power for far too long and it is time to get back to Jesus and choose to let Him do it through you in His power. If God feels far away, it is not Him that has moved but you.

Choice 1: Get as much of the Word of God into you as possible.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (NIV)

My pastor preached on this passage one critical Sunday for me and it stuck with me. “Lean not on your own understanding.” We can’t even trust our own thoughts at times. Our minds are a part of our flesh and our flesh is weak. The enemy can always mess with our flesh and make us think the worst, obsess about the negative, worry about things that may never come, take our eyes off of Jesus and focus them on the storm.

But if we can not lean on our own understanding, what can we count on to be Truth in our life? The unalterable word of God. We must submit to Him to make our paths straight and the only way to submit to Him is to know Him, to know His word and His character. And when I say know Him, I mean to know Him for yourself. Don’t just take it from your pastor, your favorite Christian author, your best friend, your husband, or even me. You must read the Word of God for yourself if you are to truly know Him.

Devote some time each day to actually opening the Bible and reading the word for yourself, whether it be before everyone is up, after everyone is in bed, during nap time, or locked in the bathroom. Whatever it takes. No excuses. Don’t tell me you don’t have time. You are on your phone or computer reading this right now. You make time for television or social media. You can make time for your Bible. When you are stressed and overwhelmed, I recommend the Psalms to remind you just who our God is and what He is able to do for us. If you are just beginning and need a Bible reading plan, you can find those online. I recommend beginning with James (a straight-forward no-nonsense applicable book of the bible penned by Jesus’ half-brother) or John (the gospel of love written by the disciple Jesus loved).

On top of that, get as much of the word as you can into your heart through alternative means. Go to Youtube and listen to a sermon from your favorite author or pastor while you do laundry, lie in bed, drive, etc. Listen to praise and worship music. Leave devotionals in the bathroom, beside your bed, your favorite chair, anywhere you perch during the day and take a quick minute to read it each time you sit. Work it in any way that you can.

Choice 2: Prayer

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (NASB)

Pray without ceasing. Draw close to Jesus. If there is one thing in life that you absolutely can not do in your own power, it is motherhood. Kids have a mind of their own and their own will and the outside influences can not be tamed, especially in this day and age. You cannot be with them all the time and there is simply no way to protect them from all the dangers out there. As they grow older, you must stand back and allow them to make their own choices even when you can see the disaster that lies ahead, and they can’t. There is simply no way to deliver them into adulthood unscathed. It simply doesn’t happen. And truthfully, that is a good thing because if we could, they would grow to need us, and our ultimate goal is for them to know their need for God.

Cover those babies in prayer whether they are still in your arms or beginning to gray. Pray for their every need, your every worry, and trust God with the outcomes in their lives. Pray for yourself and their father (even if you are divorced or he is uninvolved) as parents and ask God to make His power perfect in your weakness.

Give thanks constantly for the gift that your children are to you and for all the good that He is doing for them and for you even on the days it is difficult to remember just how much of a gift they are. Give thanks that He is using even those things that seems bad for their good. Thank Him for having a plan for their lives and ours that is far greater than anything we could concoct on our own.

Choice 3: Be a part of a body of believers

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. (NASB)

Church is getting a bad rap these days. Videos and blog posts abound about loving Jesus but hating religion and I get it. There are a lot of so-called churches out there that are doing it all wrong. But there also some churches out there that are doing it pretty well. Notice I said pretty well and not perfectly. The church is a body of flawed, sinful individuals and even the best sometimes get it wrong. You will not find a perfect church on this side of those pearly gates.

If you have been hurt by the church, I get it. I have too. Terribly hurt. My story of being hurt by a church would break the heart of any mama. Some of the parties involved were acting with intention and malice and some were honestly deceived and believed they were doing the will of God. If my faith had not been as strong as it was, and I had not been through so much with Jesus already in my life, I probably would have walked out, never to return. And I think very few people would have blamed me.

But instead I went to the church just a few miles down the road. And I found an amazing group of people that loved me until I could love myself again, a pastor that stood at the gate and protected me from the people that were trying to hurt me, and a forever family that would see me through it all and help me put the pieces of my broken heart back together again.

One of our foundational beliefs is that you cannot do life alone and the more I live it, the more firmly, I believe it. I tried to keep people at a distance after being hurt. And I think it was an important lesson to learn that if all I had was Jesus, I had enough. But life is so much more enjoyable, and the burden is so much easier to carry when you have people of the same beliefs walking beside you. I now have a sponsor and accountability partners that I can call whenever the load starts to feel heavy and they will listen to me, have compassion, and then speak truth to me and focus my eyes back on Jesus. It has made the difference between life and death. I can not say enough to find a Bible-believing church that you feel safe and at home with and get there as often as you can.

Choice 4: Meditation

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 says:

“You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your foreheads. You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your sons may be multiplied on the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, as long as the heavens remain above the earth.

Meditate always on the Word of God, His ways and pray without ceasing. And teach your children to do the same. I struggle with this myself. It’s just not naturally where my mind goes when I am busy and stressed out. But I have learned to focus my thoughts more and more. I have also prayed for God to give me a passion for His word and His ways and I have seen Him build that in me, more slowly than I would like, but it is growing. I truly believe that it is a gift from God more than a natural state of mind and believe that praying for Him to increase it is truly the best way to receive it.

I had a grandmother and an uncle on opposite sides of the family that both had a passion and a knowledge of the Bible like no one else I have ever seen. My grandmother only had a 5th grade education. My uncle graduated high school but always struggled with book work and standard academics They both considered themselves to be dumb, but they could quote just about any scripture you could think of chapter and verse. I asked them both about it and they both said that they had prayed for it. And so that is my earnest prayer. That God would just write His word on my heart and bring it to mind more often.

I also do another form of meditation when I am hurting and overwhelmed. It is not in the scriptures anywhere but as long as it remains within God’s character, I believe it is helpful. I just imagine myself in His presence. When I am hurting, I imagine myself as a child crawling into her father’s lap, curling up, feeling Him stroke my hair, and whispering to me that I am safe, that I am loved, that He will never leave me, and other promises that He makes in His word. When I am overwhelmed and desperately trying to hold everything together, I imagine myself in a cool swimming pool on a sunny day, surrounded by my family. I imagine my stress as a beach ball that I am desperately trying to hold underwater. It is taking all my strength and my energy and my attention. I know that if I let go it will propel out of the water like a rocket and most likely smack me in the face. I imagine myself slowly letting the ball up above the water until it is floating effortlessly, and I toss it to Jesus. Once he has it, I breathe in a sigh of relief and take in the relief that I feel. Then I imagine myself swimming over to my family and playing with them completely unburdened and free. As I said, this is not a scriptural practice, but it helps me make His presence and comfort real.

Let’s Get To It

Nothing new? Huh? I know. Maybe you are disappointed and wishing I had offered a quick and easy fix. But let’s be honest, if you are wanting to quit, you probably aren’t doing these things as much as you know you need to. I know it’s not what you want to hear. My pastor said it to me just a few month ago when I was struggling, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear either. But it was true, and it was what I needed to hear. I have never been in a place in my life where all these things were on point and I wanted to quit. Things may not have been perfect, but I was able to find peace amid the chaos. The only times I have been defeated in my life have been when I allowed these choices to get away from me. I’ve stood by several women since then and held them accountable on these points and watched God work in their life.

As I said before, if God seems far away it is because you have moved, sister, not Him. The good news is that He is just waiting on you to turn back to Him. Turn back around and take one step of obedience towards Him and He will meet you there. Do it angry. Do it overwhelmed. Do it frustrated. Just do it. And when you have done that, do it again. One step after another. One right thing and then the next. Before you know it, you will be mothering in His power and you will be able to find the joy in it again. I promise.

I love you, sister. Don’t give up. You and God have got this.

God loves you and has you in the palm of His hand!