When Love Gets Twisted: How to Set Boundaries with Addicted Loved Ones Who Use Manipulation
- jbhoward429
- Apr 11
- 6 min read
💔 The Guilt Trap
Setting boundaries is hard. Setting boundaries with someone in addiction? Even harder.
You finally draw a line—and suddenly, you’re the villain. They twist your peace into punishment, your “no” into betrayal.
And worst of all? Sometimes they pull the kids into it too.
It feels like walking a tightrope between love and self-preservation.
But Sis—you are not wrong for needing space. You are not selfish for refusing to enable. You are not unloving for wanting to protect your peace, your safety, or your sanity.
🌟 What Manipulation Sounds Like
Let’s name it out loud. Here are some things addicted loved ones often say when manipulation is in play:
“If you really loved me, you’d help me.”
“You’re just like everyone else—giving up on me.”
“I guess the kids don’t matter to you either.”
“Wow. What happened to forgiveness?”
“So you’re punishing me now?”
“You’re the reason I’m like this.”
These aren’t just hurtful words. They’re tools—used to control, guilt, or coerce. And when children are involved, the manipulation cuts even deeper:
“They’re suffering because of you.”
“You’re the one tearing this family apart.”
“You’re punishing them to get back at me.”
This is not accountability. This is emotional manipulation.
📖 What the Bible Says About Manipulation
Manipulation is not new. Scripture gives us raw examples of people using guilt, emotional pressure, or control to get their way.
🌺 Delilah & Samson – Judges 16
Delilah wore Samson down with emotional pressure: “If you really loved me…”She didn’t care about him. She wanted power. And she got it—at a devastating cost.
Lesson: Love that demands the death of your strength is not love at all.
🌺 Jezebel & Naboth’s Vineyard – 1 Kings 21
King Ahab didn’t get what he wanted, so Jezebel manipulated the system—spreading lies, setting up false witnesses, and using power to get her way.
Lesson: Manipulation may look like control on the outside—but underneath, it’s usually fear, entitlement, or avoidance of consequences.
🌺 Jesus & the Pharisees
The Pharisees constantly tried to trap Jesus with twisted truth and emotional bait.But He never took it. He answered with clarity, wisdom—and then He walked away.
Lesson: You don’t owe long explanations. Boundaries can be clear, calm, and Christlike.
🛠️ How to Deal With Manipulation (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Peace)
When you're up close with manipulation, it’s easy to second-guess yourself.
You know something feels off…But the guilt hits hard.And the shame starts whispering.And the story they’re spinning starts to sound a little too convincing.
Here’s how to respond without falling apart or falling for it:
⭕ 1. Name the Manipulation—Out Loud, to Safe People
Shame grows in silence. Manipulation thrives in confusion.
So say it. Out loud.Tell your trusted people:
“Here’s what they said. Here’s how it made me feel. Help me see what’s really going on.”
Sometimes the fastest way to break a manipulator’s power is to call it what it is—with your support team.
“You’re tearing this family apart.” → That’s emotional blackmail.
“You don’t care about your grandkids.” → That’s guilt-tripping.
“Some Christian you are.” → That’s spiritual manipulation.
Speaking truth breaks the power of confusion.
⭕ 2. Pause Before You Respond
Manipulators want a quick reaction—not a thoughtful response.
So pause. Step back. Pray. Talk to your people. You don’t have to answer immediately.
Even Jesus didn’t respond to every trap right away. Neither should you.
⭕ 3. Hold the Line With Love
You don’t have to argue or explain. You can simply say:
“I love you, but I’m not going to be guilted into something unhealthy.”“I want healing for you, but I can’t keep showing up in ways that hurt me—or the kids.”“This boundary isn’t punishment. It’s protection.”
Mercy and strength can coexist.
👶 When There Are Kids Caught in the Middle
This is where boundaries get especially painful—and complicated.
When your addicted loved one is also a parent, you don’t just worry about how their behavior affects you. You’re worried about the little ones watching it all unfold.
And if you set a boundary—if you say “no more”—it can feel like you’re the one causing harm.
But hear this clearly, Sis:
Protecting a child from their parent’s dysfunction is not betrayal. It is love. It is courage. And it is necessary.
🌺 Real-Life Scenarios + How to Respond
1. When your loved one uses the kids to guilt you:
“I guess you don’t care what happens to them.”
What you can say:
“I love the kids very much. That’s why I’m making hard choices to protect them, not to punish you. If you want to be part of their lives in a healthy way, it starts with you getting help.”
2. When you have to say no to visits or unsupervised contact:
Maybe they’re high, unstable, or emotionally unsafe—but they want to see the kids.
What you can do:
Offer a safe alternative, like a short supervised visit in a neutral location
Let the child FaceTime or call when appropriate—but only if the adult is sober and respectful
Say: “Right now, this is what it looks like to love the kids well. When things change, we can talk about more time together.”
3. When the child asks hard questions like:
“Why can’t I see my dad/mom?”“Why did they miss my birthday again?”
What you can say:
“They’re making some choices right now that aren’t safe or healthy, and that’s not your fault. We love them, and we’re praying for them to get better. But it’s my job to keep you safe.”
Kids don’t need every detail to feel secure. They just need the truth, served gently.
4. When you feel torn between helping the parent and protecting the child:
You may think, If I cut them off, the kids suffer. If I help them, the chaos continues.
What to do:
Choose the child’s long-term well-being over the adult’s temporary comfort
Don’t fund dysfunction—support recovery only (like paying for counseling or rehab, not rent or bail)
Focus your love and energy where it can actually make a difference: the next generation watching it all unfold
5. When they threaten to withhold the kids from you:
“If you don’t back off, you won’t see the kids anymore.”
What you can do:
Stay calm. Don’t engage in threats.
Document communication if custody or safety is an issue.
Keep affirming your love for the children and your willingness to have a healthy relationship.
Say: “I love the kids, and I’m here when it’s safe and respectful to be. I hope you’ll choose what’s best for them, not just what feels good in the moment.”
You may also need to consult with a family therapist or attorney to understand your rights and next steps.
6. When you consider involving Child Protective Services (CPS):
I highly recommend that you pause, pray, and take an inventory of your expectations and motivations.
As a former foster parent with 11 years in the trenches, I can tell you that I have seen God work miracles using the family court system and I have seen them destroy good families and children.
The first thing that you need to know is that once you have made that phone call, you are no longer in control – the case workers, attorneys, and judge are.
You may think that if you call in child protective services then you will get to tell them what needs to happen, and it will be carried out. That is not the case.
You may think that by reporting your addicted loved ones, you will get custody of the children when they are removed. That is not always the case.
You may expect that if CPS is involved, you will get visits with the children. That is not always the case.
I am not suggesting that you should not call in CPS, but you need to make an informed decision. If you are doing this to punish or create consequences for your loved one, there are better ways.
If you are truly concerned for the safety of their children, CPS may be a very valid option. If you can get the children to a safe environment, without involving CPS, try that first.
As I said, I have seen God use the system to work miracles but take time to cover that decision in prayer and allow God to guide you.
🛑 Your Boundary Might Be Their Lifeline
You may not be able to stop the addict’s spiral.But you can interrupt the cycle for the children.
You can:
Be a safe space
Be the truth-speaker
Be the one who shows that love can be firm and faithful
And maybe—just maybe—that child will grow up remembering that you were the one who finally said, “This isn’t okay. We need something better.”
🙏 Boundaries Aren’t Punishment. They’re Protection.
You can love someone deeply and still say:
“No, I will not keep living in chaos.”“No, I will not let you manipulate me with guilt.”“No, I will not let you use the kids to control me.”
Jesus had boundaries.So can you.
This kind of love—the kind with strength and softness—takes guts.But Sis… it is so worth it.
📥 Want Help Taking the First Step?
Grab my free Better Boundaries Workbook—a faith-based guide to help you start setting God-honoring limits in your hardest relationships.
You don’t have to carry this alone.You don’t have to feel guilty for doing what’s wise.You just need to start.
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