Expectations: The Road to Disappointment and Resentment

Have you ever entered a situation with high hopes, only to walk away feeling hurt, frustrated, or angry because things didn’t go as planned? It’s a common experience—and one that often stems from unmet expectations.

A wise friend once told me, “Expectations are premeditated disappointments.” I’ve also heard it said a little differently, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” And if you’ve ever been in a situation where things didn’t unfold the way you envisioned, you know exactly how true this can feel.

Why Expectations Can Lead to Resentment

1. Expectations Create an Invisible Script

   When we set expectations, we unknowingly create a mental script for how we think people should act or situations should unfold. But the problem is, life doesn’t always follow our script. When others fail to meet these unspoken standards, it often leads to disappointment or even resentment. Essentially, we are expecting our loved ones to be who and what we want them to be in that moment rather than who they actually are. There is no grace or room for their own emotions, perceptions or experiences. No one can meet our expectations all the time and that is especially true when they haven’t been communicated. It is unfair to expect the people around us to read our minds and achieve some standard that we’ve created in our imaginations of what the perfect holiday or experience would look like. Norman Rockwell has been gone for almost 50 years and even in his day, his paintings were art not reality.

   
   

   When it comes to our loved ones in addiction, expectations are even more likely to lead to disappointment and resentments. The fact of the matter is that people are not the same in addiction as they are when they are clean. Our expectations for them usually revolve around them being the person they used to be and it’s natural to miss the person your loved one was before addiction took hold. You may expect them to act with the same reliability, love, or care they once did. But addiction changes behavior, priorities, and relationships, leaving us disappointed when the person we love seems unrecognizable.

2. Expectations Overburden Relationships

   Expectations can place unnecessary pressure on relationships, especially when they’re not communicated clearly. We may expect a loved one to behave a certain way, support us in a specific manner, or "just know" what we need—but they might not. We all have different life experiences, personalities, love languages, preferences, etc. Expecting “you” from someone else is a sure-fire way to be let down. That doesn’t make the other person wrong or bad, they just may not be capable of supporting you the way that you need or perhaps they are capable but need to be made aware of what that looks like for you. Just because it doesn’t come naturally to them, doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you.

   
   

   The desire for our addicted loved one to recover is often so strong that we may expect them to take steps toward healing quickly—or to remain consistent once they start. But recovery is rarely linear, and setbacks are often part of the process. Asking them to show up clean and sober may be beyond what they can offer this year. It’s perfectly acceptable to have that as a boundary but don’t take it personally if they don’t attend or try to act clean and sober when they are not. Whatever boundaries you need to have, be sure to communicate them with love and compassion. Shame has never changed anyone long term, but compassion and grace does.

3. Expectations Ignore Reality

   In situations like addiction or other life struggles, expecting people to act or respond as though everything is normal can set us up for heartbreak. Accepting people as they are, rather than as we wish them to be, allows us to approach situations with grace. The people in your life are all struggling with something and allowing them to be authentic about who they are and what they are experiencing is a gift like no other. We are never going to like all of someone else’s choices, decisions, and lifestyle. While we don’t want to enable someone in their sin, it’s also not our job to beat them over the head about it, especially on the holidays.

   
   

   We may hope for the “perfect” gathering or that our loved one will suddenly show up sober, kind, and fully present. When this doesn’t happen, the sense of loss and frustration can feel magnified. The greatest gift we can give ourselves and our loved ones is showing up with no expectations and focusing on spending time and connecting with them as they are, warts and all. While we don’t condone, support, or enable bad  behavior, we must acknowledge reality as it is, not was we would have it.

The Alternative: Release Expectations and Embrace Reality

So, how do we avoid falling into the trap of expectations?

• Shift Your Mindset to Hopes Instead of Demands:

  Instead of expecting specific outcomes, focus on hopes. Hopes are more flexible, rooted in faith and trust, and don’t carry the same weight of entitlement.

  
  

• Focus on What You Can Control:

  The only thing we can truly control is our own attitude, responses, and choices. Let go of trying to control how others act or how situations unfold.

  
  

• Practice Radical Acceptance:

  Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, but it does mean acknowledging reality as it is—not as we wish it to be. This frees us to act wisely and with grace, instead of reacting out of frustration.

Practical Ways to Let Go of Expectations

1. Set Realistic Goals for the Holidays:

   For example, instead of expecting your loved one to stay sober or behave perfectly, focus on creating an environment where everyone can feel safe and supported.

   
   

2. Communicate Boundaries in Love:

   If your loved one’s addiction has created a need for boundaries, communicate them clearly and with compassion. For example:

   • “We’d love to see you at dinner, but we need you to come sober.”

   • “We’re keeping the gathering short this year to minimize stress for everyone.”

   
   

3. Pray for Surrender and Trust God’s Timing:

   Release your loved one into God’s hands. Pray for their healing and trust that God is working, even when you don’t see immediate results.

   
   

4. Celebrate What Is, Not What’s Missing:

   Shift your focus to what is going well. Find moments of gratitude for the relationships, blessings, and peace you do have, even if things aren’t perfect instead of focusing on what you don't have and the people you are missing.

When we let go of rigid expectations and replace them with grace, understanding, and faith, we create space for peace in our hearts—even when circumstances don’t go as planned.

This holiday season, or in any challenging situation, consider this truth: releasing expectations allows us to experience freedom from disappointment and opens the door for joy and gratitude to take root.

What expectations can you let go of today to protect your peace?