8 Areas To Surrender: Choose Your Focus For a Peaceful Year Ahead

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. They’ve never had much lasting impact in my life—at least not beyond a day or two. I’ve found it hard to summon the discipline to stick with them. But you know what has changed lives—including my own? The work God does in people through the 12-step process. I’ve seen Him redeem and restore lives time after time when individuals, with His help, submit to the recovery process.

Most loved ones of addicted adults (LOAA) think the 12 steps are only for the addict, but truth be told, they work for anyone with a hurt, habit, or hang-up they’re willing to surrender to God. As loved ones of someone struggling with addiction, we often wonder, "What would I even work on if I started the recovery process?" This question inspired me to write this post.

Loving someone in addiction can be one of the hardest emotional and spiritual battles you’ll ever face. You want to help, yet the burden often feels overwhelming. One of the most freeing things you can do is surrender these struggles to God and allow Him to work in your life and theirs. Below, I’ve outlined eight areas you can focus on surrendering. My hope is that you’ll prayerfully choose one or two to begin your journey.

This year, I’ll be walking through the 12 steps right here on this blog, but I encourage you to also join a local Christian 12-step ministry. Celebrate Recovery, Recovery Alive, or even Al-Anon (though not explicitly Christian) are all great places to find support and community. Their websites can help you find a meeting near you. The truth is, you can never have too much support in this journey.

Each of us is different and may resonate with different struggles, but my prayer is that these suggestions help you take the first step toward meaningful progress, leaning fully on God’s grace.

1. Control Over the Addicted Person's Choices

True change can only come through God’s work in the heart of your loved one. As much as we would like to fix them, we are powerless to change much of anything, but I know a guy. I know a guy that is all-powerful, all-knowing, and always present and that loves that addicted loved one (ALO) even more than you do. Our best efforts are a cheap imitation of what He can do, and we (and they) are in much better hands when we trust the one true God with our lives and theirs.

Surrendering control means obeying and trusting in Proverbs 3:5-6:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Practical Action:

• Create a habit of releasing control through daily prayer or journaling, naming the situations or choices you’re surrendering to God.

• Focus on what you can control, like setting boundaries and caring for your own emotional health.

Prayer: “Lord, I surrender the choices and behaviors of my loved one to You. Help me trust Your power to bring change in their life. Give me peace as I release the need to control what only You can. Amen.”

2. Unforgiveness and Resentment

Holding onto unforgiveness prevents us from experiencing the fullness of God’s grace. Loving someone in addiction is an emotional roller coaster ride and it can be one of the most emotionally painful things we go through in life. It is natural to feel angry, disappointed, betrayed, and have a wide variety of other negative emotions. It is easy to fall into unforgiveness and resentment and the people around you wouldn’t blame you a bit. They would tell you that you are right to feel that way. While I can with 100% certainty say that I understand how you feel, staying there is not what God has for you. Tough love is not meant to be mean-spirited, shame-inducing or hateful. It’s tough because we have to do tough things but we are called to do them in love. It is just as important that we process our emotions in a healthy, God-honoring way and carry ourselves in a way that would please and glorify him.

Ephesians 4:31-32 reminds us:

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger... Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Practical Action:

• Write down the hurts you’re holding onto and pray over each one, asking God for the grace to forgive.

• Practice small acts of kindness toward the person you’re struggling to forgive, even if it’s as simple as praying for their well-being.

Prayer: “Father, I release my anger and bitterness to You. Help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. Heal my heart and restore my joy so I can move forward in Your grace. Amen.”

3. The Need for Immediate Solutions

Patience has never been my strong suit and that was especially true with my daughter’s addiction. I thought sometimes that I would break under the pressure of the pain and longing and wanting my baby back.  I wanted her fixed and I wanted it now.  I was blessed that I did not have to wait as long as so many others do but any amount of time can feel like an eternity in these circumstances. It is so hard to understand or see in the middle of the storm, but God is working in His perfect timing and in His perfect way. There will come a day when you see some of what He did and why He did it the way He did. We’ll never know all of the details on this side of Heaven but He allows us to see enough of Him that we can continue to have faith in Him.

God’s work happens in His perfect timing. Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

Practical Action:

• Memorize scripture like Isaiah 40:31 and repeat it when you feel anxious.

• Focus on taking one step at a time rather than worrying about the entire journey.

Prayer: “Lord, I surrender my impatience and my desire for immediate answers. Teach me to trust Your timing and rest in the assurance that You are always working, even when I can’t see it. Amen.”

4. Fear of the Unknown

Fear of what might happen can paralyze us. It can lead us to make choices we would never otherwise make. It can keep us up at night and it is the number one thing that people list as the biggest challenge in loving someone in addiction. The fear that they will be harmed or that they will die keeps us from making the decisions we know God is calling us to because we are so afraid of losing our loved ones. It is a valid fear, but God is not the author of fear or confusion. While we can not be assured that nothing is going to happen to our ALO, we are guaranteed that God will be with us and that He will not leave us or forsake us. He loves them more than we do and it gives Him no pleasure for them to suffer. We have to trust that He has a plan and a purpose for their life, just like He does ours, and He will fulfill it. None of us are powerful enough to thwart His will in our lives or theirs.

Isaiah 41:10 reminds us:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Practical Action:

• List your fears and write beside them the promises of God that address those fears.

• Spend time in worship, focusing on God’s sovereignty and power over every situation.

Prayer: “God, I give You my fears about the future. Help me to walk in faith and not be paralyzed by the unknown. Remind me that You are with me, and I can trust You with what lies ahead. Amen.”

5. Feelings of Guilt or Responsibility

We are not responsible for another’s choices. When someone is in addiction, they seem to know just what buttons to press to make us feel guilty or like their addiction and their problems are our fault. I can assure you that they are not. We have made mistakes, come up short, and let them down, I’m sure. We are human and we are flawed with a sin nature. Even our best intentions sometimes go awry. At the end of the day, our ALO is an adult and they are responsible for choosing how they will deal with their resentments and disappointments in life. There is always a variety of choices besides drugs, alcohol, or whatever it is they are addicted to that will better help them cope with whatever it is. Kids from the same backgrounds often go very different directions because of how they chose to deal with their problems and the same principle applies here. That’s not to say that we should deny or ignore our shortcomings. If there is forgiveness we need to seek and amends that we need to make we must do that in our recovery journey. It’s an important part of the process but once we have done that, we must forgive ourselves and allow our loved ones to be responsible for their own reactions.

Galatians 6:5 reminds us:

"Each one should carry their own load."

Practical Action:

• Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself daily that you are not responsible for another’s choices.

• Confide in a trusted friend, counselor, or support group to process feelings of guilt in a healthy way.

Prayer: “Father, I lay my guilt at Your feet. Remind me that I am not responsible for my loved one’s actions. Let Your grace fill my heart and free me from this burden. Amen.”

6. Desire for Perfection or Control in Family Dynamics

The pressure to maintain a perfect family image can be exhausting. It will wear you out and if we look closely at our motives, it all comes down to pride. What other people think of you or your family or your ALO is none of your business. We don’t have to stand before Jesus at the end of our lives and say that we had the best image and reputation around town. We will have to stand before Him and say that we have done the best we could with the resources we were given to honor and obey Him. If we can stand before Jesus and say we have done the best we could, that is all that we need to worry about. I’m sure there will be people that judge you and even gossip about even in the church but you cannot let that consume you. There will also be people that will love you and support you and allow you to confide in them in your tough moments. There are more still that will be inspired by your vulnerability and the way you carry yourself and surrender to Jesus with your struggles. Know the truth and allow God to fight your battles for you when it comes to gossip and judgement. Keep your eyes on Him and don’t let the enemy use the fear of rejection to keep you bound in your suffering.

2 Corinthians 12:9 teaches us:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Practical Action:

• Let go of perfection by being honest and vulnerable about your struggles.

• Focus on progress, not perfection, and celebrate small victories along the way.

Prayer: “Lord, I surrender my desire for perfection and control in my family. Teach me to trust You in the midst of chaos and to see Your hand working in all things. Amen.”

7. Unrealistic Expectations

Sometimes we expect immediate recovery or flawless behavior changes, which can lead to disappointment. One of my favorite recovery euphemisms is “Expectations are premeditated disappointments and resentments.” It has been a difficult thing to do in my recovery but lowering my expectations has allowed me more room for gratitude and grace in my life. It is unfair of us to expect someone to behave or believe the way we think they should instead of allowing them to be themselves. Focus on listening to understand and being grateful for the moments and the blessings God gives us. When we place expectations on the people and events around us (especially when those expectations are unexpressed) we set ourselves up for failure and those people and events will rarely ever measure up to the fantasy of our expectations. Take things as they are instead of how you wish they would be, and you will find yourself much more satisfied in life.

Psalm 62:5 reminds us:

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him."

Practical Action:

• Reevaluate your expectations by journaling or talking them through with someone you trust, asking, “Is this realistic?”

• Set healthy, realistic boundaries and remind yourself of them often.

Prayer: “God, I surrender my expectations to You. Help me to focus on what is realistic and trust You to handle the rest. Teach me to find joy in Your presence, regardless of outcomes. Amen.”

8. Dependence on Your Own Strength

Trying to handle everything in our own power leads to burnout. For me, it led all the way to a very real plan to commit suicide. I thought at the time that I was doing things in God’s power but the truth was I was taking everything on myself and just asking God to bless it here and there as I went. I had heard that we were to do things in God’s power my whole life, but it wasn’t until I worked the 12 steps that I began to understand how to actually do that. The 12 steps took it from head knowledge and lofty ideals and taught me step-by-step how to walk it out in my day-to-day life. It was the best gift I ever gave myself and has drawn me closer to God and strengthened my faith in a way that nothing else ever has. It is also the best gift I could give my daughter and her recovery as well. When she was ready to seek treatment and reconnect, I was able to respond to her in a much healthier way. I hope that it is a gift you will give yourself and your ALO.

Psalm 46:1 offers a better way:

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Practical Action:

• Begin your day with prayer and scripture reading to draw on God’s strength.

• Surround yourself with a supportive community who can remind you to lean on God during challenging times.

• Submit yourself to complete a Christian 12 step program with a sponsor and accountability team.

Prayer: “Heavenly Father, I surrender my self-reliance to You. Remind me that I don’t have to carry this burden alone. Be my strength and my refuge every step of the way. Amen.”

By focusing on one or two of these areas, you can deepen your walk with God and make meaningful progress in your 12-step journey. Trust that He is at work in your life and your loved one’s, even in ways you may not yet see.